It’s amazing what lengths people will go for a little revenge. Most rational people (I use the term ‘rational’ loosely because the thirst/drive for the revenge is primal at best) will employ sneaky tactics to ensure they punish their enemy and go home scot-free. More entertaining though, are those who don’t mind hurting themselves in the all important pay-back process. As far as they are concerned, any discomfort they experience in the process of causing their target discomfort will ultimately be comforting. See why I question their rationality?

BEFORE YOU CUT OFF YOUR NOSE...

I have seen motorists who while engaged in the all important, ‘I will never let you cut in front of me’ duel, deliberately dent their cars just for the satisfaction of causing some damage to their rival’s vehicle. I wonder how they share the tale of their exploits...

“Honey, you won’t believe what I achieved today! I rammed into some lame guy’s car and boy is he going to have some work to do at the repair shop! Ha ha ha! It was awesome! Oh by the way honey, can I borrow your car? I had to drop my car at the mechanics... Scars of war you know... But it was totally worth it!”

A more extreme version is in the TV series Desperate Housewives, where a woman Felicia Tilman (played by Harriet Sansom Harris), who determined to avenge her sister’s death, fakes her own death by dismembering her fingers and planting them as evidence against her sister’s murderer. Said murderer was then charged with her death and thrown into prison for life. You might be there thinking 'so Felicia’s methods were a bit extreme... Big deal! She avenged her sister! She has brought honor to the family and with just 7 fingers for that matter!' Dude! Talk about cutting off your limbs to spite the murderer! Unfortunately, her victory didn’t even last that long as her ploy was later discovered. Go ahead and watch season 7 if you're so fascinated... You owe me abc!

Not too long ago I was having some major challenges with my cellphone and when things got to a climax, I roared at the device and flung it against the wall. Chalk it down to my artistic temperament right? Wrong- it’s just bad behavior. See in order to punish it for daring to defy me, I rashly decided the best punishment was destruction. Never mind that it was in the middle of the night, I had only one phone and I had effectively cut myself off from the rest of the world... I gave that sucker the punishment it deserved! Or did I?

The satisfaction of cutting off your nose is really short lived. Apart from the fact that it will really, REALLY hurt, you will morph from human to alien freak in just a matter of seconds- no disrespect to the late M.J. Beyond the pain and unattractiveness is the total lack of sympathy from onlookers. You made that bed- go ahead and lie on it.

I wonder how many times Felicia regretted cutting off her fingers. Simple tasks must have become nightmarish. Carrying bags, combing fingers through your hair, holding hands or even wearing gloves. It’s one thing to be born that way or meet some misfortune that robs you of the use of your limbs, but it’s another thing to go to bed every night knowing you did it to yourself. The worst part? It didn’t bring her sister back. Exacting her revenge came at a steep, permanent cost.

While Felicia is a fictional character, there are many real-life Felicias out there. People who flunk school to offend their overbearing parents; who overeat, pierce their skins and get tattoos so that they don’t become pageant queens like mom; who join gangs to show their rebellion to their religious or moral roots; who kill/maim in broad daylight to preserve their street-cred or ‘dignity’. So at the end of said revenge you are broke, untrained, maimed, a miscreant and most likely a jail-bird. Your got your wish: you hurt your parents, or teachers, or boyfriend, or God or whoever else you set out to hurt, but in doing so, you hurt yourself the most. When it all comes down to it, You Lose.

People often say the best revenge is to succeed in spite of what your ‘enemies’ did to keep you down. Your success will be salt to their wounds and coals on their heads. Nice. However, sometimes, you will never get a chance for revenge. You will never see that bully from school, or the driver that cut you off or the co-worker that set you up to fail. What to do? Let it go. ‘Vengeance is mine’ says the Lord, ‘What goes around comes around’, Nemeses/Karma will catch up with you...’  Believe all or any of these and move on. Letting revenge fester in your heart steals from your future. Isn’t it bad enough that the incident robbed you of joy in your past? Move on brother! That's another form of revenge- like 'you're not even worth my attention'.

Funny enough, unlike Humpty Dumpty, I was able to put my phone back together. So while I was grateful I didn’t permanently cut off my nose, I have predetermined my course of action if my ‘face’ ie phone acts up again. The next time it misbehaves, I will go out, buy a new handset, make sure the new one works beautifully and then gleefully smash the old one to smithereens. Callous and calculating right? Yeah well sometimes you get the chance to take action without hurting anyone. And when that happens... revenge is a dish best served cold.